I’m 30 this year. Some days I still feel young at heart. Some days I really felt I’ve lived for a century.
Reflecting my last 30 years, on hindsight, I was really quite crazy, and there were some many moments I lost myself. Wna hear all the crazy things I’ve done? To be honest I can’t believe I was so dark as well. The world is dark, and my actions were darker than black, perhaps that’s why I’m so afraid to be left alone in the dark nowadays.
Darker than black 101, and quite a few of the below happened before I turned 13, undoubtedly insane.
1) I once prayed that my brother would be gone from earth
2) I knew it was theft, but I still took the little gift cards out of fairprice without paying them. When my mother found out she was so surprised, and immediately went to the counter and pay for it
3) I blew out the wedding candles of my uncle, just for fun
4) Dad told me to place the Buddha status under a tree, I dumped it into the rubbish bin and when he asked me about it, I lied.
5) In primary school, I thought my friend was really ugly physically and ugly at heart, yet I hang out with her because I don’t know how to say no
6) The same friend, I saw through her hypocrisy and lies, yet I watch her lie to others without exposing her. And I felt nothing (no guilt) when others were cheated.
7) In primary school again, I thought I’m pretty and felt happy to know when I was the eye candy of a few people
8) There was a few other girls in the cohort who were The Eye candies of others, but seriously, I don’t know what’s so great about them. They seemed off.....
9) I was taught to be courteous and polite, but whenever my mother wasn’t watching, I was really arrogant and looked down on everyone else
10) The first guy who confessed to me, I told him not to tell anyone that he likes me, frankly speaking it’s because he was quite huge in size and I felt so embarrassed
11) I scolded the same guy “no family manners”, my mother thought I was joking but I actually meant it
12) I peep at girls, and I can’t control my eyes
13) I have anger management issues, and there was once I threw my dog on the ground, but this time round I felt so guilty... sorry baby, I’m so sorry...
14) There was so many times I sworn to myself, one day when I grew up, I’ll earn lotsa money, moved out of the house and never contact my parents ever...
15) I saw how you cheated for 2 years, yet I kept silence and just watch you
16) Until one day I threatened you about your infidelity and I felt happy when I saw the fear in your eyes
17) I had issues since young, and I had the same nightmare for many years until I turned 14 and I never felt truly secured
18) I was once jealous about my brother, my parents were so strict with me, and they were never this strict to my brother and they never once scolded his stupidity
19) I have low tolerance for stupidity, and people who behave like they have no brain
20) Later I realise I have lower tolerance for fake people, refer to point 6, maybe that’s why I felt no guilt seeing fake people cheating stupid people.
21) I remembered waking my mum up to bring me to school, yet she fell back to sleep. Instead of trying again, I slept beside her. When she finally woke up, she felt so guilty and kept apologising to me. I didn’t tell her I chose not to wake her up.
22) I have anger management issues x 2 and I used to make an extreme huge fuss when I can’t do something well.
23) I have anger management issues x 3 and I couldn’t control my emotions when I found out that someone whom I trust lied to me. Maybe that’s why I became so controlling and would walk away from a relationship without feeling much emotions.
24) I was an emo and I cut my arms in secondary and frankly speaking i do not know why I did so
25) I smoke social and I enjoy smoking
26) I prefer hanging out with guys than with girls, because girls are very annoying, attention seeking and needy, and I can’t deal with girls, I can’t give them the attention. Today though I have a bunch of female friends, all of them are fiercely independent and do not need my xoxo, oh thank goodness....
27) I looked down on many people around me, until today I still do, as no one whom I looked down upon prove my judgment wrong.
28) I think education and exposure really makes a difference in how one thinks. And being a singaporean myself, I felt really ashamed. Most Singaporeans including myself do not know much about the world, we are sheltered and entitled.
29) I do not believe in having too many friends, and in fact I don’t live for friends... You got your own life and I got mine, if you want me to lie just to say nice and untrue things about you, i can’t. Maybe it’s easier for you to look for someone else.
30) I threw away almost all of my past relationships leftovers, and I regretted not selling some instead to earn some cash haha
31) In my many relationship, on hindsight, I don’t think I felt in love with most of them. I thought I was in love, but when I walked away, I think most of them aren’t worthy of my love, and maybe I don’t love them after all. Wish I knew earlier.
32) I cheated spiritually many times, because the person I was in a relationship with wasn’t intellectually stimulating. Yes I realise I am attracted to intelligent people, and if you aren’t intellectual, I really cannot....... Wish I knew earlier and I won’t strike off at least half of the people I dated previously.
33) I knew these money weren’t mine, but I still put them into my pockets. This... I truly regret, I shouldn’t have done that.
34) I dated a lot, really a lot, did lotsa crazy stuff, and regretted not doing even crazier stuff
35) Getting into University was because, I wanted to prove to everyone that not all children whose parents are separated will turn bad. Even without my parents, I can be disciplined and I can support my own school fees and pocket money.
36) I grew up not needing anyone, and sorry I am unable to show much empathy whenever someone is upset. I got annoyed when people around me can’t tough up. Seriously don’t be a chicken.
37) I told my teacher deliberately that I can’t go to school because I’m attending my dad’s wedding, just to see her awkward and don’t-know-what-to-reply face. In hindsight, that teacher were pretty old back then and she doesn’t know how to handle me. Perhaps adults are all not real adults.
38) I think my professors were ridiculous and don’t know what they were teaching, that explained why I challenged them in tutorials. Perhaps I’m just re-enacting how my English teacher shamed me in primary school, this time round, it’s me shaming my professors.
39) I looked down on most of you. 男人不该用女人的钱。
40) When I was 5, I told my grandfather to let me walk home alone. I told him I can manage, yet I ended up crying after being left alone for 2 mins
41) Similar thing, I told my aunt I wna play the fun fair ride, I insisted though I was below the height limit. It was so scary that I started crying half way through the ride and the operator need to stop the ride.
- to be continued -
I’m darker than black, I’m torn since young. Looking back, I actually I hope someone would have discovered this, and maybe I won’t have such serious anxiety issues today. Then again, another perspective, I enjoy this battle with my anxious self, and the self discovery journey for the rest of my life.
