Turn brief moments into perpetualty;

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I turn off the time to wake up before the alarm clock ressounds
I don't know why but I can already remember you
I wonder if, before I know it, I'll forget even the miracle of being able to meet you for one hundred minutes
Will I end up forgetting even that I've forgotten?

Heavenly days, in the room in the pocket of my heart
I look for your vanished warmth
Even if there's no way to feel you ever again, ah
I'm locking up those days that are still a bit warm

Tired of walking, I sat down and was at a loss, if you were with me
We could have talked about something like our unbearable dream's fate
I couldn't say it by the ticket barrier, I wanted to say
that I feel "Thank you" are maybe words much sadder than "goodbye"

Heavenly days, I wonder if I could smile properly
At the scene of our last kiss, I couldn't even grasp your shivering hands, not even my tears fell, ah
Now that it's too late, they overflow when I'm alone

Heavenly days, in the room in the pocket of my heart
I look for your vanished warmth
Even if there's no way to feel you ever again, ah
Even if I stretch out my hands, you're not here anymore
I'll walk on under a new light

thank you
Friday, November 30, 2012
1:50 PM

I love to drink, but not till the extent that I'm an alcoholic. The real fun about drinking is being with the people who you dare to show your true self. I don't need to control my highness, or try to discipline myself and at the end of the day I will be safe. Sighs, but my balancing is really bad (even when I aren't drinking). Anyway thank you all for not stopping me when I'm chionging my drinks.

That's the real me, impulsive and emotional. So someone said Im a big risk taker but in the end I can't deal with my emotions. hahahaha, I can nah~ but I don't allow myself to be "can". I want to feel my emotions. It is dreadful to live a robot, heartless, self-controlled lifestyle. But I know it is time to move on already. Times of being impulsive, and true to my heart is over. Now, I will not let emotions take control. Thank you for this experience. It was short, but meaningful, even if it meant nothing to you. Goodbye~ and Im glad that it was easy for you to walk right in and out of my life.

Read more: A FINE FRENZY - ALMOST LOVER LYRI

Read more: A FINE FRENZY - ALMOST LOVER LYRICS I

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

initiative

Wednesday, November 28, 2012
2:00 AM

initiative
noun
1. an introductory act or step; leading action: to take the initiative in making friends.
2. readiness and ability in initiating action; enterprise: to lack initiative.
3. one's personal, responsible decision: to act on one's own initiative.

I admire those people who is courageous enough to take the initiative. They have balls. Unfortunately, my courage seems to be declining as time goes by. It is true that as you grow up, you tend to lose that innocent side of you. Gone were the days where making mistakes or putting down your pride doesn't really matter. Sighs, admire neh~

Sometimes it could be that it doesn't matter to one at all, that's why no actions are taken. Or you can choose to believe in the otherwise that one is just being reserved, shy or laid back. However if it is really because one doesn't give a damn, don't force fate. Let it go.

Dear Pride, You must learn to take a break sometimes. Sometimes being too strong-willed may cause your biggest downfall in life. If only you were that tamed, and things will be so much easily. Heart vs Mind; It is a tough battle and makes one really exhausted and sleepy. Yawns. But still, after much efforts to convince, Pride will still continues its own way, heart doesn't show a sign of giving up while mind still uphold its defense mechanism.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

Habits

Monday, November 26, 2012
1:17 AM

It's funny how guitar has become my best friend. Given my "potential" in music, playing guitar could never be a success. It's okays as I will keep on trying, like the way I didn't give up on speaking and writing English. I know English is never my first language, but this don't stop me from blogging in these nine years. Sometimes, things just become a habit. Like speaking English in school, and it is very difficult for me to speak Mandarin in school now. Blogging is a habit. Not speaking up how I truly feel is an habit too. Many said I have many sides, and I often coat my words. It is easy to guess how I feel, but it takes long to figure out my thoughts. It has become a habit that most of the time, I didn't want to hide my thoughts on purpose. But it is just so difficult to truly convey my thoughts. Emotions on the other hand is easy. Showing that you are happy / annoyed are easier than explaining why you're happy / annoyed.

I don't want to speak up. Speaking up is painful, especially when you don't get the reaction you wanted from your audience. I tried speaking up and taking initiative lately, apparently it proves that I'm correct. Most of the time, you don't get the results you wanted. Now, I'm back to the good old days where I hold back my thoughts and keep things hanging. Being ambiguous make others think a little harder. Another defense mechanism I have in place.

With time, I have a lot more dirty little secrets. How funny that it was only two months ago that I proudly tell my friends that I have nothing to hide. Now Im full of emotions / thoughts that Im sooo ashamed to face. I dislike this feeling, dislike the feeling of my heart skipping a beat when I come across anything that has to do with it. It often left me in daze, as though everything around me just paused for a good three seconds.

It was only when Im alone when I can truly be myself. I like it when there isn't anyone beside me watching. & It's perfectly okays to not talk for the whole day; not like I often tell others what happen in my life and etc. Have I told you anything about me? If I do, it really means that I do trust you. But what have you done to the trust I placed in you. Such a disappointment. & whatever happened has just reinforced my habits. What an irony when I lower my defenses, you strengthen yours to full defence. So do you expect me to laugh it off, or act that nothing has ever happened? I ain't that strong. I should be stronger.

PS: I will fake a smile so you won't see.
Taylor Swift - Teardrops on my guitar.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

that night sky

Sunday, November 25, 2012
12:18 AM

I went back school today! Printed lotsa exam papers to last for these two weeks! Studying alone was indeed productive. I can nap, walk, fag, eat anytime I want and I really appreciate that freedom. But thinking back, if not for a conversation two weeks ago, I would not have appear in school today. Guess Im still the same, the one who tried to remember every little things about life. This is bad, but at least, I did my part to fulfill it. And I know, this is the only way to end things.

Return to my favourite place in school too. That place has the most awesome night view. Sitting at the ledge with an imaginary beer in my hands and Im really glad I have one more year before I graduate. Thank you for this one more good year to enjoy these moments, even though Im enjoying it alone, it is really sufficient already.

Eating was easy recently. I have stopped drinking for one long week. It is really tempting, but I know I have to stop. As this month, I had drank enough. I rarely drink, but this month the amount I drank was more than whatever I accumulated for a year. It wasn't healthy (emotionally) and I know it is time to snap out of this type of lifestyle.

I learnt my lesson. But I still insist that falling for the wrong guy isn't a mistake. The huge mistake is to be impulsive. You just need to learn to hold back and be rational. Being rational suits me more. Impulse don't last long.

Back to eating! Im really relieved that my appetite came back. I know eating less isn't me at all, and the last few weeks had caused many to worry for me (badly). Im sorry, but Im thankful that all of you held me up when Im falling. Now, yummy yummy, my appetite is bad but my pocket is burning a hole. I overeat recently. Hahaha, Thats good too, at least Im gaining my boobs and ass back! Time to get a hot body! ^^

Well, btw, Im not gna quit drinking kays! Life without drinking is totally not my life! Hehehehe, after exams, Im waiting~

PS:"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." --Clement Freud

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

need?

Friday, November 23, 2012
12:38 AM

Need is a big word. "I need money. I need yummy food. I need shopping. I need to bathe. I need you." I doubt "need" is the right word to use.

I don't think we need anything in the world to survive. Money, food, clothes. There are always there, as long as we are willing to work for it. And the reason why we crave for it is because we want it, and there we demand for it. Need? It's totally wrong to use "need".

"I need you," I'm sorry but I don't think there who will need who to survive in this world. That's the main focus here. Do you really need someone? You can always choose to depend on someone, but back to the very beginning, you once live without that someone. So the question is, what makes you think you need that someone to survive the rest of the life?

Maybe when you're younger, you will feel, "hey mom, I need you" as your everything revolves around, Mama I want this, Mama I want that. As you grow older, you stop sticking your mom. And there may be a point that even your mom don't want you to be too sticky anymore (this may not happen to your case). Live my own life, because my mom got her own life to live too. Some people learn the hard way to discover this. But some don't even discover that they are able to live alone in the world out there.

I guess if there's one thing we really need in our life. It would be oxygen! hahaha, I'm not heartless. It is just I believe we all live for a reason. But that reason would not be to live your life for someone else. You have a life out there, spend it well and make it a journey of self-discovery.

"It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now," At quarter after one, you may really feel you need that someone. But once you snap out of your dream, you will realise that "need" is just an illusion. You're just as capable of living your own life out there. Be strong, or stronger.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

slack, boring, peaceful. this isn't me

Sunday, November 18, 2012
10:59 AM

All this while, I attended school with an average of 20AUs, worked an average of 20hours a week. When life is happy I hit at least 35hours at work. But all of these still seem very boring boring boring. I haven been on form since I graduate from Poly. It seems as though I have reached my peak and is now on the downfall. Motivation is diminishing. Nothing seems to interest me or challenge me enough. It really keeps me thinking, perhaps a stable life with no ups and downs isn't what im looking for. My career, it is time for some serious consideration. If i make this step now, i know I must be ready to give up my peaceful Uni Days. Do I really want that or is it just a rush of impulse at this moment?

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

Friends, real friends.

Thursday, November 15, 2012
7:02 PM

I'm really happy to have so many real friends in my life. Despite me being mean, rude, "dao", workaholic, I have friends who stick with me till today, and holding me up when I'm falling.

It wasn't a easy period for me. I got my heart burnt, and it hurts. And I always thought I would never experience this "burnt" feeling again. But I'm wrong. I'm feeling it all, although painful, it is all worth it. And this period is awesome because I saw the way my friends cared for me. For sudden phone-calls, sms, what-apps, surprise chocolates, accompanying to drink, forcing me to eat my meals, buying me bread to feed my appetite, pulling me aside for face to face personal chat, warning me not to drink when I'm too emotional unstable as they know I will turn very~ violent. These are more than enough to keep me going.

Guess I'm a little selfish, I can stay strong, but I gave myself this chance to break down yesterday. Because sometimes, I just wanted to depend on someone again. Tired of taking the lead, making decisions, planning for outings. It has been like this for years, I think I have enough. Leader? Sorry on vacation now (like a few hours?).

That day, I was forced to plan and make decisions. I totally didn't anticipate that. It was terrible. My perfectionist self took over and I can't describe how angry I was with myself. I hate to fail in planning, especially when I really see that outing as very~ important. Leaving bad impression is the worst thing I would want to happen. If it was my usual self, last minute planning will be like peanuts to me. Blame myself for being too comfortable, unprepared and letting that girlish side of me out. I shouldn't have even done that. Trusting, gullible, lead by my emotions, wearing my heart on my sleeves, guess that me is still living somewhere. But now, I shall never let her out again. Not like I will ever have that chance once more.

Identity crisis, I know I have this problem too. But something different is, I show different identity to different people, therefore there's always some parts of me that you will never got to see. And only to some people, I show my very true side, true to my heart, true to how I feel; emotions, feelings, fears, straight in my face, directly shown in my behavior. But right now, I'm pretty confused, which part of me should I show the world? I guess I'm back to protecting myself which I never want to. I will never get hurt, but I will never be truly happy.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

getting worst

Wednesday, November 14, 2012
6:14 AM

Shit! Im getting from bad to worst. My emoness is totally getting out of control, spreading from blogs to twitter now to facebook. And waking up in the wee hours make things worst. Crap! Wonder how much more could I hide within my heart. Keeping silence is easy , but keeping silence yet acting normal isnt. Not like Im good in acting, my bad habit of showing everything on my face doesn't change. I was telling T, this time i really foresee myself getting hurt, and Im looking forward to it. Getting hurt, how does it feel? Being so long that I forget that feeling, or have I been numb to it alrdy?

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

being direct

Tuesday, November 13, 2012
2:00 AM

I like being direct and true to my feelings. I don't want to hide if I like / dislike you as I really feel it is okays to show my affection / annoyance towards someone / something. The fact is, I really think the most difficult thing to hide is the smiles / anger which come deep from your heart. I know, this period, it is pretty obvious that I showed how I feel. Being initiative, and focusing on only you. That's what I do when I have a target, I will fall deep and put all my attention on it. Indeed, I fell deep, but it is okays. I have great reflexes and I know I can walk out of it easily. But as long as I try, as long as I manage to feel those feelings again, it is all worth it. It's perfectly fine. "Dare to love, Dare to hate." I know I found that part of me back. But it isn't enough. I wanted to fall deeper, because I have a gut feeling that by doing so, I can find back all parts of me gradually.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

Awww, clubbing...

Monday, November 12, 2012
1:11 AM

I met Raymond for dinner just now. The last time I met him one-on-one was on the day before he entered Army! Been a year plus, time flies! But, it somehow reminded me of our clubbing session two months back! Awww, first time when clubbing with the boys! Thanks to Weifeng's birthday celebration!

Im sorry we dint really take a whole group photo that night! Anyway, think about it, I really need to thank him for that night, for protecting me from sweaty guys, accompanying me throughout all my toilet trips, and being the first to react when I fell (damn paiseh okays). Like you said, no matter who we are with in the future, in a relationship or marriage or lesbian or gays whatever, we shall always be best friends!

I think the best part about singlehood is the freedom to be with friends without any time limits, and also, to club without limits! Awwww clubbing, here I come!

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

My mothers

Sunday, November 11, 2012
9:49 AM

Until now, my mother is always telling me not to be so gullible, trusting, innocent and stubborn. This was the impression I left on her seven years ago. Every time she met me, she was always so worried about me, regardless friends, relationship, or even strangers. She often reminds me not to get cheated. I guess "the me" when I was younger totally scare her off. Being too trusting and maybe "kind", especially now, without her protection makes her feel uneasy. I often tell her in the past that I wna find someone I love and get marry, living happily ever after. "Those fairytales line". That was why she had always been so strict with me in my education, hoping that education will teach me how to differentiate people who wanted to take advantage of me. Each slap, each cane, each scolding she gave me was indeed scary but made my brain into who it is today.

My S.mother on the other hand, see me in a total different light. She has been with me for six years. Don't behave too intellectually, don't say too critical stuffs, don't be a perfectionist and lower down your expectation when looking for "boyfriends", stop hurting your boyfriends, don't be a workaholic, don't be too strong-willed, don't look at people like that, you will chase guys away. She on the other hand, is so worried that no one will befriend and marry me. I guess that "strong" part of me really overwhelms her. "Totally like my father", but a female version is what she always describe me as, but fortunately, my temper isn't as scary. And I always tell her, it's okays even if guys can't accept me as who am I. Because if they feel that way, even if they beg me, I will never marry them.

It is funny to see how my mothers see me. It just proves that during that one year in between, my change was so big that people if know my from two different stages won't recognize me. But well, I'm fine with being who am I today, or even revert to the past. But do you think I'm not trusting? Do you think Im really that strong?

Who knows the real side of me? hahaha, I guess not really anyone. But the closest would be people who walk through this two stages with me - My best friends. Even when I stay silent, they know what I am thinking, feeling. Too bad Im not a guy, I cant marry them! Hugssss.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

记得忘记

Friday, November 9, 2012
9:16 PM

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

if you give yourself a chance to

Thursday, November 8, 2012
7:04 AM

I slept at 12mid last night, and here am I awake at 6am. This isn't good! Where is my ten hour of sleep, hmmm at least an 8 hours also can!

Anyway, I woke up to the happening news at RT again. I have been there 5 years, now going 6, and throughout I make lotsa friends, no regrets! And I kinda understand the human politics in there. I once, nearly get involved but luckily Im smart enough (don't mean too praise myself but sometimes I must really commend on my fast brainpower) to twist the situation around and become a mere audience again. This time it involves and it is against my best lesbian sister. Ahhh, and I guess it is time for me to speak up alrdy. Play the mere audience role isn't easy at times. Especially when you saw whatever others did and you know "Shit, they gna themselves into trouble!" yet you are stuck in that to-help-or-not-to-help dilemma.

Anyway, I guess the most fun part about RT is to see kids grow. Im one of their best examples. They turned me into a totally sick in the mind person, as commented by the kids down there. From the youngest, I have now become the oldest there. Using the eyes of a responsible adult, I finally see how childish a kid can be when emotions take over. The kids there now are totally fun and bright but some of them slightly, self-focused. (Erms I know Im a self-focused person too, but that just when Im writing journals) I guess, all of them are still growing up, I've seen their changed into someone better, but still I believe they can be even better. Not going to raise names since my stance is neutral. Working there later and hope things get better Cheers!!

{PS} Don't be so judgmental in life, take a step and think from other perspectives first! As nothing is perfect, you can easily find flaws even in an expert's creation. Similarly, you can always find good or useful insights from something you deemed as trash! That is, if you give yourself a chance to.

Anyway, if only type script for presentation is as easy as writing blog post! Damn Im so worried right now! Off to type my script~!

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

negativity is contagious

Tuesday, November 6, 2012
1:09 AM

Wonder how will I behave or look like when I really release all my emotions. Unsightly? Violence? Or into a total stranger that I may not have anticipated as well? I'm feeling as though there are so much emotions within me but I cant really figure out what's there. As time goes by, emotions will fade, it always do. And till then, I would have forgotten why am I feeling this way.

It is as though I have this strong girl image in the eyes of everyone elses and I think I need to uphold this image at all times. Not only so, negativism is contagious, and one day without yourself knowing, having too much negativity in you will only drive your close one away. So I guess the best solution now is to stay cheerful like I always do. This isn't an easy period, but it is also not as difficult as I will imagine. Besides, I have been through tons of shit to prep me for such incidents. It is okays to lose someone, as long as you don't lose that fire within you, as that what kept me alive.

Anyway, schoolwork is soooo tedious to help me get focused. Well, afterall I still have my fluffy nono. Hugsssss, thanks for always be there!

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

not going to beg

Sunday, November 4, 2012
1:05 AM

Its okays to be judged. Because it just proves that there isnt chemistry between us and it is useless to force connections. I dont really mind and Im not going to explain or beg for their acceptance. All I can say is that Im still gna be myself and avoid any connections with them as I guess we are all happier this way. Not like I gna judge them or sorts. Free will, we all have a choice in life. I respect them, and i dont really demand anything in return.

Theres lotsa different people in the world Perhaps we should really go out there and interact with people who are out of our league. and we may see things in a total new perspective.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

being impulsive

Saturday, November 3, 2012
12:46 AM

Met the right person at the wrong time & it feels like I have been fooled again and again. It is in the stage where I am now been forced to make a choice. It is a tough fight between being rational and being impulsive. I thought I have made peace with who am I today by denying who I was in the past. Looks like it would always be difficult for me to move away from my own shadows as no matter how fast and how desperately I tried to run, my past will always follow me, no matter where I go.

Do the right things. But I'm not exactly a righteous person. I like to follow how I feel, but I know I shouldn't be so self-focused anymore.

I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天

devil ; fly

♥ 我爱雨天
雨天我就想一个人
只有一个人我才能全心爱自己
雨天把我忘了吧

rainn
Plain bitter tea and full cream milk tea are both chosen decisions which I fancy. Im not a dreamy person who dazes every single moment. Im just someone living in my own world where fantasies are painted. I had lived in my dreams and for my dreams. Not an initiative person in socialising, waiting for someone to break through th façade is th only comfortable way out.

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不要哭泣
也不过是一年前的你
忘了一年后的我