1:29 AM 12:19 AM 9:05 AM 12:05 AM 4:24 AM
I believe that being compassionate and kind hearted isnt being weak but otherwise. It's a virtue to start loving and stop asking love from others in return. Well, make this world a better place by serving th community with your true soul.
If you cant even stand for th people ard you, it gives you nothing for anyone to respect you in th future. To give and to return, that's how life goes about right.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
half of my heart
12:45 AM
I am sleep deprived. Okays. When am I not?
For now, I need really some silence and to be left alone. When am I not again? Anyway, was listening to th song half of my heart by john mayer. Why do I feel th way th song describes? Hahaha. Silence, begins, now.
"You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart."
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
Motivation
12:55 AM
Did a test today! On motivation! Instrinsic and Extrinsic. I figure out that Im a balance and I draw motivation from both Instrinsic and Extrinsic. Cool? Anyway, th point is, I got it all back. I got my life back, My drive, my confident, my focus, my motivation.
I felt alive, and I breathed. Hahaha. it's been so long, it's been one year. Thanks to those who believed in me! Hahaha, it's u guys that get me all back.
Lol, Now, I see th future shine! It's glowing! :D
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
DC-ed
6:42 PM
If you were to relate me with something. I think th best description is Wireless@SG. Im like Wireless@SG : Need to register, Insecure Network, Unstable, and Not available at all areas, Only have strong network in certain areas. Im like a connection, a weak one.
Insecure Network: On first impression, I get along with almost everyone.
Th need to register: But only those that are eligible can get closer to me.
Unstable: Im like in my own world, People often get disconnected with me.
Not available at all areas: I often go MIA, people wont know where th hell i am.
Only have strong network in certain areas: Even they get connected with me, it's only for a certain topic or a certain part of me. Im not even at all consistent.
Now, I guess people know th reason why am I a potential DC-er. Hahaha, and, not one will really use Wireless@SG unless they dont have their own secured network. Im just a backup, some thing people will go for when they are needy and have no other options to turn to. Because Im a DC-er. This unpredictability of me had bombed their ego, screwed their brain and made them never want to use this retarded network again.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
rush
9:31 PM
It was a total rush today, rush to complete my resume. Rush take a photo and edit. Rush to back up my file. Rush to complete my cover letter. Rush to causewaypoint to get th things printed. Rush to buy a file! It's still open! Thanks god! But i need to wait for 6people infront of me to finish using th computer! I dont know if my resume or cover letter is well done or badly incomplete, i dont know what to wear for interview tml, i dont know how to reach th place! Well chill chill! I just need few mins to calm down and get myself ready. Well, when had interviews been a challenge to me! Stay positive, oh good luck man!
Lol, after a release of emotions, I haven mentioned what is it regarding. Lol, Mrs kee offer me a internship job with 700 pay, specialised in Recruitment and Selection! Im really glad and grateful to her. Because I mentioned that 450 is very little! Although th company Im interviewing for tml isnt as well know as MOM, but still, yea, Im grateful. There cant be best of both world, right?
i had been alone. Haha, guess it hasnt been an issue, probably need some time to adjust to it. Smile more, i tell myself. It's okays to be alone as i had always been alone before love started. It's just getting back to who i used to be, isnt it? I need to be strong, perhaps stronger than who i used to be. I may be stronger than who i am, who knows? And here am i, striving for myself, for my future. I dont want anyone to worry about me, or celebrate any success with me. If there is someone, it's a gift, a bonus. I dont wan a dependency to be taken for granted.
Chill, after th interview tml, let's go for a movie with terence! Thanks terence! Haha, nice son u had been.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
我最近常思考着这个问题。到底人需要多久才能忘了一个人，到底需要多久才不思念一段情？我不知道。想起了以前的事。想起了无情的我，多情的我，和长情的我。我不知道哪个我才是真正的我。但我知道，真心是很难忘的。是你对她不够真？还是我从来没有住在你心里过？我已分不清。只能祟服自己，答案不再重要了。不要再想了。
你不重要了.
我不再回头了.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
new wallet!
11:19 PM
I bought a new wallet today! Thanks Terence and Zhijie for accompanying me to shop! :D I guess Im a crazy shopper, even terence says so! Lol. Okays. So th guess wallet is pure white leather and flashy! Lol, wanted to get th black Unicole slim bag! Lol then Terence commented: "Eh that one so plain!" I replied, "I like plain and simple black what!" "Are u sure? Look at th wallet you bought!"
Lol, plain & simple and flashy stuffs are both chosen decision that I fancied. Lol just like plain bitter tea and full cream milk tea. Though things are at their extreme, but it somehows trigger my desires to make them my possession! Well, changed my profile at my blog. Th previous description is a little harsh and only shows one side of me. This time round, is more comprehendsive bah. Hmmm only i think that way, I know. Lol.
Well, my wallet theory. I somehow link wallet and relationship together. If I cant find a wallet I like today, I wont buy any! It's th same as, if this guy isnt one I have feelings for, I wont even think of going out with him. Well but, you need to go out to have a look before you can chance upon a wallet that you like! You cant rely on special events for people to get you th wallet, because they wont even know that you are looking for one or a particular one, just like th way you cant depend on friends' matchmaking to find your other half. Love is a commitment out of free will.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
fortunate me
11:48 PM
Tanning trip was fun, although there isnt any sun. It allows me to see th brighter side of life. Soaking myself in th water really makes my soul lighter.To think about it. I have a close relationship with my family, my doting father, two mothers who cared in different ways, my not-very-brother brother. Cousins Justin Babeth Celestine with similar interests. Paternal aunt and uncles who are always there. Smelly Baby's thought. Great Nono companion. Yixin hazel jianing who are best friends since secondary. ZhenTao Weifeng Xinni who are best buddies who always stay in contact. Laoda and Laoer who I know will think of me some days here and there. Jiawen and Yanying who are my really good sisters in school. and one weird terence son who dont know why click so well with me. Working colleague who treats me like a litter sister. Ayu who I can so naturally be myself. Din Weijian Leman Johan who I can talk craps about. A stable part-time job who I had bonds with for almost 3years. A future that Im so determined to work hard for. Not forgetting others that Im afraid and too shy to mention. Memories that are meaningful and so dearly attached in my heart. And a soulmate who yet to appear. That's my life. What more can I ask for? Fortunate me. This moment, Im finally smiling.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
It's raining here in th morning! :D Hmmmm Hope my tanning trip with tatayu still can make it! :D Rain rain go away, come away another day! Hahaha, am really happy to go out with her! Because I really need a breakaway and I really miss her after so many many many months of not seeing her! OMG?! HAHAHA. Well, I shld go pack my stuffs while waiting for th rain to stop right? Yeah head it on~
Deprived of outdoor activities. Hahaha, my bookworm and dramaqueen life is expiring soon! Let's get some radiant on your face and perhaps READ outside! Hahaha,.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
insomnia
1:08 AM
Reality had proved that exhaustion is not th reason why people sleep.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
迷路的時候; 我捨不得離去
12:07 AM
It's weird. I know it's no way out infront of me. Yet I still stick my head into this. Yet I still allow my feet to carry me further. Im lucky. Im not th one who initiate th end of this route. Because I wont never have th courage to choose so. I will never initiate this because it's a harsh route. It's taking too much away from me and I dont wna do so. It seems that you are granting my wish. My wish is granted. Now Im just a empty shell, finding endless stuff to fill it up. Make my shell worthwhile Im telling myself that. My daily life now. Trying hard to earn $$! :D and keep this outer shell alive and in shape. By two months, I wna be ready to shine. I wna to gain all my confidence back. I wan to. Even if deep inside, I have none of all this confident, but at least, I dont want my outer shell to show any signs of this. Good luck.
我想我不會愛你
你的呼吸 還有你的聲音
你的呼吸 穿過身體 我來不及反應
你的聲音 躲在耳裡 讓我生病
謝謝 你給的讓我沉迷 讓我丟掉了姓名
在好奇的時候 拉不住眼睛
你的嘆息 散落一地 讓我歇斯底里
靠得太近一不小心 弄傷自己
謝謝 你給的讓我沉迷 讓我困住了自己
在迷路的時候 捨不得離去
我想我不會愛你 這樣下去 渺小的自尊 都快要拋棄
我想我不會恨你 傷的痕跡 住在我心底 變成了秘密
我想我不會愛你 害怕失去 所以逞強的 遠遠看著你
我想我不會恨你 只是也許
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
daze
3:02 PM
Im trying to take things easy. Facing it step by step. I dont wna rush love, & I dont wna rush to forget love. Im speaking as though I can rush them. I wish I could, I wish I could fast forward everything. But I cant. It used to be a dazzle. It used to sparkle. It used to be not used to be. I dint cry since then. I wonder why. I cant force a tear out from me. Yet I cant ease my heart from everything. It's ironic. A crybaby wont cry. A crybaby cant cry. I dont know how I feel about crying anymore. Is it better to cry it or what, or shld I celebrate that I can finally control my tear gland? It's not about controlling. I dont cry, because it doesnt have hopes to cry for? It doesnt face disappointment anymore? Or it knows it's th end alrdy, or it dont wna admit it's th end alrdy. Perhaps I have not sit down, sort out my emotions. Perhaps Im not willing to do so. Im waiting for it, to settle down itself one day. Thats why Im here, in daze everyday.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
soulmate
12:58 AM
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
Just th way you are
1:24 PM
Just listen to th song, "Just the way you are".
It's suppose to be a happy song. But I felt no happiness in me. It's just emptiness that cant be decipher. It's an impossible mission that had no connection with me. It's heartwrecking to even listen to that song.
I can feel my heart telling me, I can never trust again.
This is how I disappear~
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
slack
10:06 PM
Th time now is 7.50pm. Im at marsling mrt station gg back home. I had spent my day wasting time off and decided to spend some time outside instead of sticking my head at home. Lol had my past 2hours slacked with hazel. It feels like I was brought back to secondary school days. Lol in th past we used to visit each others house and called each others parents by mum, dad, gramps or mei nu/shuaige. But as we grow th frequency decreases to mere zero. Because time is never enough and we place our focuses on other things that we deem more important and necessary. Today during th visit, ahma ask me to go to her house more often to eat dinner and th reason becos i had been hazel's friends for years and i was treated like her granddaughter. This made my day. Yeah she was right, she is one of those that watch me grow, watch us grow. Years of friendship? Define it please? These years of friendship are irreplaceable as nothing can prove it except time. And time had given me th answer, a positive one.
There are lotsa people that are irreplaceable in my life. And they cant be substitutes of each other either. Well, I could still remember all th words I said in th past. Although some could not be made true, and I felt guilty for that. Well, at least I remembered. You're irreplaceable, even after all these.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
Th toy cameras craze is still out there. I hate to admit I love them. Im not interested in using them. But if Im rich, Im sure I will own them all. Just for collection. Collection for weird and pretty stuffs. Collection for everything I love. Yixin owns dont know how many cameras now. One day gna ask her out to sample every one of them. Good to have a camera friend. Making me unneccessary to own a camera or to take pictures. Photos. I love taking photos since secondary. It's like memories. It's like you never remember all th moments you snap and when you took all those moments out again. Thoughts and feelings you experience at th very point of time came back all to you. Thats what photos can do, miracles. I forget since when we stop taking much photos. Perhaps thats th sign already. But I never seem to catch th sign. It's silly what an habit can show. Th stop of an habit means something.
Everyday I lead th same lifestyle, which repeats over and over again, like an endless disenchanted cycle. I count down to th day where I will start to enjoy this lifestyle. I hover over websites and realised, they are th same. Because I had been clicking th few links continueously. Im bored. Bored to tears. Boredom killed me internally. I felt nothing but a engulfing coldness that seems to build with time. As we grow older, our heart become colder. Is this what it mean? I felt so lifeless now. I felt that I cant cry or smile inside anymore. And today, I went out without my phone. It hasnt been ringing that I forget th existence of it. It's no surprise I forget to bring it out when it used to be my forever and always item that is glued to me. Life changes. And in life, change is always constant. Life has lost its colors.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
th problem
1:31 AM
I know what's my problem. I never trust myself, never. I never trust th feelings one can have for me. I never believe. I never believe anything would last. I would back off before feelings fade. I never want to try. I never want to keep hopeless things hopeful. I dont wna get hurt. Thats why I rather believe one dont love me when I only spot a tiny mistake one did. I rather believe it this way. I rather believe that feelings fade. I rather believe one lost hope than facing th truth. I never wna admit that I wasnt better. I never wna admit that everything you have had before is better than what I have or can give you. Because I tried my best (initially) and a little failure I face make me give up anything. I gave alot chances, I know I gave, but once this level of confidence continues to fall, I stop everything before it drop straight to zero. I wasnt complicated. It's just Im afraid. Everyone around seems better than me. Everyone you met seems better. They can afford to give you all th time you want. They can afford to give you all th pride you wanted. They are better, older, prettier, taller. You know what I mean? I know Im a flexible person. I had plenty of traits. I can be mischievous, playful, quiet, daring, timid, straightforward, laid back, or at any extreme depending on the situation. But none of them is prominent. Everyone can do it better than me. Yes Im playful, but someone out there is more player than me! Yes Im laid back at times, But someone out there had this laid back traits all th time! Yes Im stubborn, but someone out there is 10x more stubborn than me! You understand how I feel? Impression. I had no specific impression at all, I gave no exact impression. Because I emcompass too many things. Thats why everyone had different impression of me! And you? You are always unsure who I am. Unique may be th word, but to make things nastier, Im just weird! It's just i cant be at one face all th time! I cant have one traits and stick to it all th time! I cant, Im always changing, but if you look deeper, my heart never change, my thought never change!!! Th only thing I know I did better is being smarter. Well? But this isnt th point! I know. A guy dont need a smart girlfriend. They need someone pretty, understanding and those that you can bring it out to meet your friends. Sorry I dont have it all. All I got is to be smart in my own way, and silly in your own way. You once mentioned Im over-confident. But Im only confident in areas that arent your juridiction. Because all those areas that doesnt have you inside, like studies projects works, are those that i can just be myself. I can just do whatever I like without th fear of being lousy when compared, being worse, being unworthy of you, being unworthy of love. These are th areas, where I can really be smart without you. These are th areas, where I shine. Th moment you comment Im over confident, do you know everything I had smashed. I feel as though I wasnt anyone in your eyes. Perhaps in your eyes, Im just a cocky haughty person that everyone you met before are 10x better than me. All other time with you, I feel like Im lousy. I feel that every words you say about me are just lies. Because you seem to forget everything. You say you love watching me eat. You say you like to look at me. But it never been this way anymore. Where is th time, you really look at me and then smile, and then let me know that you are enjoying looking at me. Im really feeling terrible inside. Like I wasnt anyone at all. I avoid all social activities you have. Meeting your family, meeting your friends, meeting your classmates. Im really scared, anyone knows? Im scared of being dislike! Im scared of being lousy when I was compared! Im scared of people say whoever you see is better than who I am. Im more scared that you feel it th same way too! Issit th reason why Im not acknowledged by you? It's true. I care too much about if people like me or not. Although I appear unaffected and uninfluenced by people all th time, but all matter to me is if people like me, if you love me, if Im accepted as who I am. Because I wasnt secure all th time. I dont know what had become of me. But sorry I just cant trust. There are many attempts that I tried to trust and there are obvious success. But whenever they are going up th hills, it seems like quarrel will break out, or some suspicious thing is laid infront of me, or I cant get th recognition I want. and every trust I tried disappeared again. I never dare to try anymore. I lost hope. I hate to see a relationship with no future! I dont dare to try at all. When I know marriage is no longer your view, I was so afraid that I cried all night. Deep inside, how insecure can I get. Alot more than this definitely. I really think if Im not good enough, do you think you can find someone better? Are you regreting being with me, Are you thinking that it's a rush to get with me initially. Because you just want someone beside you?! I rather end all this now. I cant face this insecurity anymore. I cant let myself go down anymore. I cant accept anything about relationship anymore. Yes, it is hurtful to you. I know. I know. Because I dont to trust you. Because you will feel, after everything you do, I still cant trust this. And you dont know how to love me anyone. Great. Because I dont know how people can love me anymore. Nobody seems to have th capilities to stop all th fears I have. Nobody seems to have th power to make me trust. And I rather be left alone. Because Im tired of given false hope and then, everything is back to square one. Everything is back to th moment when I cant believe you love me, I cant believe Im th best you ever have in your eyes, I cant believe you want a future with me. I cant believe, I cant believe, I cant believe... I feel better right now. All those shit inside me are just shit that nobody cares because this shit is redundant, unneccessary. And this shit only affects me. Dont bother, because all these are sensitive questions that you wont ever bother. I rather I face it all myself than being called sensitive again. I rather I have no one, at least having no one saves me from all this shits. Im tired of trying. Im tired of being myself and feared of being myself. Im tired of being direct and get some shit back onto my face. Im tired of telling people things and get back scoldings into my face. Im tired of everything.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
My timetable
10:52 PM
Cant believe it turns out this way...
It's suppose to look like a normal timetable..
Guess Im really too boredddd, looks like kindergarden kids' drawing...
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
steamboat
10:59 PM
Im bloated. Went to eat steamboat with Dad and Auntie @ Chinatown. It's quite spicy but tolerable. Well, was about to vomit while cabbing home, Crap. I really think I shld start my dieting plans, Glutton! And now I stink! Th digusting oil smell and sorts, Lol.
Anyway, went for a movie with terence today. Watched th other guys. Well come to see, this is th first time I went for a movie with him. Lol, but it doesnt seem like it. I enjoyed going out with him too. Because there isnt any restriction. When do I care so much about restriction? Yea, it's since secondary one! Freedom was a craving ever since then. Guess it's because Im at a rebelous stage at that young age. And for now, th craving for freedom become a neccessity. Ahhh!!! No need to set a time. No need to set a movie. No need to set th movie timing. No need to set for what to eat. Just do whatever u feel like it. Everything is flexible. And all those flexibility feels like family. I really believe, only at th sight of your family members, then would you really be yourself.
Anyway, went to borrow books again. I completed 4 alrdy, there's more to go. :D It's satisfying, thumbs up.
Oh ya, before I met terence, I was walking alone. Looking at pretty girls with pretty clothes who walked by. There is one couple, (okays Im looking at his girlfriend), then he gives th very fustrated look that Im looking at his girl! Wth? Hello, dont you think it's normal to look! And hell it's not like Im a guy oozling at his girlfriend right. I was smiling while looking at her. Cause she is attractive in her own way... Im speechlesss, what a protective guy! Hate that.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
anger
3:47 PM
it was crazy today, near to a misery. i quarreled with someone. apparently i couldnt control my anger. though i know it isnt my fault. but it's in th wrong to raise my voice. wondered why i couldnt hold back. hmmm, lack of sleep? screwed emotions? haha. these arent reasons, merely excuses. i apologised after calming down and tell that person straight that he is in th wrong, but i did wrong by shouting. well it helps. talking calmly do solve problems. hmmm, a lesson learnt. control your temper. i always thought i did anger mgt well, but today was an exception. now i was pondering shld i work dinner or not. finding people out for a short relief. finding a reason not to work dinner today. none is available. shld i work or not? why am i hesistating. yes im hesistating. okays hesistation proved th answer. i will not work dinner today. problem solved.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
façade
11:59 PM
I was too mentally exhausted last night that I skipped my blogging habits. Now let me carry my thoughts to where I were yesterday.
It was 11pm while I walked back home alone, feeling th sight around me. This route, from yixin house back to my house, was too familiar for me that I need not pay any attention to where my feet was bringing me to. I knew th way back home vividly. Th sight was splendid. Because there isnt anyone beside me. Surrounded me was nothing but cold breeze and darkness that was lid up slightly by dim lamps. I breathe in at a comfortable pace, trying to enjoy every steps my feet took me. Th atmosphere was relaxed, perfect for a good reflection and an attempt to tidy up my feelings. I recalled how I spend my day.
It was my off day. I met hazel before I catch up with th rest of th people. We intended to shop for her heels but causeway was a disappointment - most shops were closed and th building was almost ready to be tear down for renovation. Instead, we spend our time touring around th rest of th opening shops while waiting for Yixin to reply. It was supposed to meet at her house today for our usual singing session but she was needed to report back to school in th morning. Luckily at 3.30, she managed to head back to woodlands and I was thrilled to go to her house.
Weifeng and Zhentao arrived shortly, and we began our singing session. Everyone was relaxed, no massive songs chosen and no massive chewing of tidbits. Guess it's because we are alrdy pretty familiar with each other's company.
Later at 7pm, we cabbed down to chomp chomp without hazel as she needs to be home for dinner. Chomp Chomp was great. Mainly because it's my first time there with friends but not my family. We ordered quite alot of food and almost all were my favourite! You know something good to dine with a group of four is you can really order a variety of food and not waste them off! Portions are always served so big that if you dine with just two, you will probably waste around half of th food and your money.
Later, we went to "i forget tat place, but it sells yogurt" to chill for a while. We had concluded that having chalets no longer satisfy us and we all longed to go overseas! Great! :D Then we cabbed home again. Lol.
Th real thing starts here. We went up th hill to fly our Kong Ming Teng. Making wishes with them is fun. Hazel and SC joined us. And to openly make our wishes is really cool. Thats what friends do, isnt it?
Friends. I was reflecting about this when I walked home. I was happy to have them. They are one of th people who I trusted. Now it seems like Im compensating for th time loss I had with them. More than often, I felt busy pressured and did not really enjoy myself when Im with them. Because my mind is worrying about other obligations that Im supposingly be doing. Im wrong now. It's nice to relax and enjoy companies. It's th same for love. I never enjoyed love. Because most of th time, I pondered over many other unhappiness and I do not wna set my heart free. It's me who convicted my soul.
I feel like I have a deceptive outer shell, a façade, where I live comfortably behind it. It was always my comfort zone. Im afraid people to get me out of my square and attempted to control my life. Im afraid of being tied down. I dont wna be prisoned, I dont wna be tamed. Im afraid to be discovered because I dont wna change. I wna be myself. I wna to be true. Thats why Im living under a façade. They are not masks anymore. Because for always, I know Im being true to myself, and expressing all of myself in different ways. Im not lying, Im not cheating, Im not acting. It's just another me that to create a illusion for you to think that Im right about myself. Please dont change me. Im comfortable with who I am.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
ask me!
12:06 AM
There's alot I wna type. But too much for my brain to decipher all of them. Am I really hard to understand? Hahaha, one told me I dont talk much about myself. Meaning I dont disclose things about myself so often. Think about it, well, because no one asks me about myself. Hahaha, you know, Im really afraid to talk about myself. I live better without mentioning my past. Because I dont wna be stucked in that hole again. More than often, I got th urge to share. But I hold them all back. Hahaha, what's th point? I often asked. Why share? Especially th unhappy things. Thats why I always end up here, talking to myself. Perhaps I haven find th one that Im comfortable in sharing everything to him. Perhaps it's just th wrong method used to make me share. Perhaps I dont know people wanted me to share about myself all along, because I thought people arent interested at all.
So many perhaps, but I dint ask th real reason why. Because it doesnt matter. It isnt official anyway. And to what I know it didnt even start. Well, nothing is affirmed.
Im feeling quite terrible inside. As days pass, I find myself in a dilemna more than usual. It's hard handling a war inside. Sometimes I asked myself why am I doing it th hard way? I can just lie back on my sleeves and relax and wait for things to happen. Wait for what? I dont know! No point no point no point anymore! I forced this thinking on myself! I dint blink a tear. I dint let my heart out. Im feeling really fustrated inside.
Did I mention it's wrong to hold back love? But yes, Im right in doing it wrong now. Im holding back whatever love that's left within me.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
drink~
12:29 AM
Work full today. Ended work at 9.45. Saw L taking out his Absolute Raspberry to drink, and he asked me to join in. As usual Im a natural drinker I cant resist drink. Absolute really doesnt appeal me! Im not a fan of Vodka! Yucks! Lol, as it goes on and on, D took out his cordon bleu, and th drinking session become unstoppable! Well, I lied. I said work ended late and I was sponsered to take a cab home. Well. I know th consequences. But I cant help to drink. In th end I took cab home alone. L wants to have more and D accompanied. Hmmm, reached home had supper. Was forcing myself to stay awake while Im in th cab and I did it. Thats why Im here still typing. Was glad that how me L and D drink tgt. I was really tired today. Had been sleeping at 5am recently. It wasnt a healthy lifestyle. Nonetheless it isnt th lifestyle I wanted. Well, gna give myself few more months to get used to it. Live life strong. Like th way I always did. Remember live life strong.
Edited~
Well, I dint smoke while they drink. Surprisely I dint smoke one stick on my own. Well, people always commented how compaitable drinks go with cigarettes. Hahah. But I dint today, A happy thing to cheer about? Yeah bring it on then. Wonder how long more will my blogging habit stops. I had been typing like this since secondary 1. Wonder why had it become a habit to type. Because it's better to express. While you type, when th sentence doesnt suit your mood, you can happily backspace and amend them again and again. However during face to face interactions, it can never be done like this. Hahaha. once spilled, it can never be taken back again. Well, I hope I dint regret my decision. Once said, it cannot be taken back. I understand it well. Although my heart aches a little. But Im still bungey jumpy all over. Means Im still cheerful and sorts. I cant sleep, I dont know th reason why too. Well, perhaps Im afraid once my brain stops thinking and Im awake, things will strike it and my tearful night will start. Results are out. Though I always say as long as I do my best, and did not go against my conscience, life is worthwhile. Hahaha. Yeah, continue consoling myself this way. Although i hit my target and pull up my GPA, well never is never enough. Hahahah I knew it. I dont know what Im nervous about, because I had alrdy predicted my emotions well. Nervous and Calm back in th end. No shot of happiness, as usual. Well. working later on again. Hope I can rest well and sleep! Tired of late nights. Well, I really wna live life strong. Live life strong!
Another nice song to intro, decipher th meaning. decipher th reason behind all my actions. because ily , i do.
愛不疚 - 林峯
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wF-mXDcQOMM
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
Watch th stars with nono :D
10:20 PM
Spend my day doing nothing. Th only meaningful thing I did is to bring Nono for a walk. Led her to th playground, watch th stars with her tgt. Once again my room was left untouched, unpacked. Lol, perhaps next week? It will forever dragged until school reopens. Calculated my finances somewhat. It had always being a habit. Well, aimed to save 500 before attachment. Then, during attachment. Aim to save another 500! Hopefully it's enough for school fees! Well expenses are taking a toll on my life. Cut them down.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
new outlook
11:12 AM
Busy thinking of a new outlook. After really long, I decided to drop th idea of short hair. Well, they are right, after keep my hair for so long and have not really style it, I shldnt change to short hair immediately. Hahaha Im becoming more and more couragous. I was really thinking of rebonding it, then cut short till above my shoulder. Leaving different layers some below my shoulder. Hmmm, courages? hahaha thats only imagination. Long hair. As what Denise said, having long hair got really many ways to style it. Now I think I shld explore all those different ways. Denise. hahaha time by time, I will think of Denise and Hian, Jiawen and Yanying, look through those retarded videos. Seeking some laughter from them. Sighs?
Working had been great. I really enjoyed working. Looks like I may really be a full-time staff there after my graduation before I move on to Uni or Full-time job outside! Hopefully uni bah. Well, results are out on Monday, that is about 3 days? Hmmm, I somewhat give up hope alrdy. Im tired really tired of competing with myself. Thinking through every possitibilites for everything. Im tired. Get my words Im really tired. Im tired of trying to work out a formula for everything. My hopes are dashed. My light fades away. Now, just let me be in my own world. I dont know for how long can I pick myself up. Now my only leisure is to focus on myself and how to make myself happier. A new outlook certainly. And few catch up with my friends and sorts.
Talk to myself. I had chatted with her few times. I realise as we grow up, we stop to talk to each other that often. I recalled, since young, I will really talk to my heart and let my heart fantasize what she really wants. She wants to get married real badly. She wants to meet her price charming and imagine all sorts of nonsense with him. Now I chatted with my heart again. All those seem insignificant alrdy. My heart says I shld face my true emotions. Haha, true emotions? Well, I always thought what Im doing is my true emotions. Look like I get it wrong this time again. Why am I so wrong. Why am I always following suit th faked emotions. Because I know my true emotions are morally wrong. Morals? Is it really that important. Because of th word MORAL here, I had sacrificed alot alrdy.
Need many getaways. Im back to reading again. Holidays seem like a reading recreation. Now Im finishing my second book. Im dont wna compete with myself anymore. Im letting my drive down. Stop its engine. Competition had been so tired. It worn me out. Expectations had failed me. Results are perturbing. Once expectations failed, th only comfort I can seek is results. I really dont wna seek comfort from results. But Im left with no choice. It's really screwed up within me now. I feel so weak by looking at how I cant handle failure. Afterall Im just a growing teen with many aspirations. When I failed, all aspirations seem to go to a nil. I dont need someone to pull me up. Because all this makes me weaker. I let out my heart to others, hoping others will give me a sense of warmth, a helping arm, yet I realise others cant be much a help. From today onwards I shld really stop having th thoughts to count my emotions on others. Fight for my true emotions. Morally wrong? Who cares?
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天