I turn off the time to wake up before the alarm clock ressounds
I don't know why but I can already remember you
I wonder if, before I know it, I'll forget even the miracle of being able to meet you for one hundred minutes
Will I end up forgetting even that I've forgotten?
Heavenly days, in the room in the pocket of my heart
I look for your vanished warmth
Even if there's no way to feel you ever again, ah
I'm locking up those days that are still a bit warm
Tired of walking, I sat down and was at a loss, if you were with me
We could have talked about something like our unbearable dream's fate
I couldn't say it by the ticket barrier, I wanted to say
that I feel "Thank you" are maybe words much sadder than "goodbye"
Heavenly days, I wonder if I could smile properly
At the scene of our last kiss, I couldn't even
grasp your shivering hands, not even my tears fell, ah
Now that it's too late, they overflow when I'm alone
Heavenly days, in the room in the pocket of my heart
I look for your vanished warmth
Even if there's no way to feel you ever again, ah
Even if I stretch out my hands, you're not here anymore
I'll walk on under a new light
ready?
Wednesday, February 27, 2013 1:03 AM
Soooo, I got what I wanted.
Wonder why people around me always have faith in me. It isn't very surprising to them when I said I was selected, as though they alrdy expected it to happen. Well, that's why I often felt stressed. Living up to people's expectation. Trying to please those I care for although I often make decisions ignoring everyone else's opinions. Although I always act I don't seem to care.
Some part of my heart is really afraid to go. Im scared of changes, of uncertainty. I don't know if I can handle without anyone by my side. And being unable to watch over those people around me, being unable to do happy hours with my friends, to talk to them, to laugh at and laugh with them. It really feels as though some part of my life will gonna be taken away. And Im really afraid.
Yet I craved for it sooo much. If I wasn't selected, i won't be able to describe how disappointed I am. And to think that my dad alrdy told his colleagues his confidence in me being selected right after I went for my second interview really make me feel, "Hey I need to do it for him." I really need to grow up. No longer Daddy's girl. Although these few years, I tried my everything to break away from being a Daddy's girl. Now to think of it, Im doubting myself. Can I really do it? I know I will sure cry when I board the plane. Hahaha, emotional kid as always. When would I every grow up?
Although everyone is saying im very independent, very matured (despite how childish I always act), in fact I know Im not there yet. There's so much more I can achieve, so far I have to go. Im not independent enough, not matured enough, not when I have all these facades in place. I want to be truly tough inside out. Not just because of those layers of facades. I want freedom, I want more exposure. I want to get a real life. I want self discovery. I want to know more about the world out there. I want to take a walk to every part of the world. So, what else am I thinking? Why am I hesitating at this very last moment?
Insecurity is killing me once again. Im really afraid of changes, of the changes that will happen if I were to leave. And what if when I come back, everything is different already? What if ... Im the one who changed? What if .... What if .... ? I can't trust you, fully. Don't thank me for trusting you, Im not that gracious. I still protect myself well.
P/S, Pride, you always set too much of a defense. Give me some space to trust someone, to love someone freely. .
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
lost for words
Tuesday, February 26, 2013 12:13 AM
I guess no one can tell what am I feeling exactly right now. Once again I blocked off all emotions as I didn't want myself to face such a complex situation. Now I seem to understand everything a little better. Understand why would I react this way few months back (feeling stabbed in the heart is valid afterall), understand why would you not respond accordingly to what I expected you to respond. And you as well, I understand why do you feel stuck in the middle all the time now. What a tragedy and I allowed myself to get involved willingly. I'm disgusted by the thoughts of it, seriously. Now, everyday, every moment, the sight of whatever I'm imagining right now would keep surfacing and worst I can't seem to shake it off. but this doesn't prepare me enough for the real situation at all. And I wonder, if right from the start, right from few months back, I knew my presumption is correct, I wouldn't have chosen the route I chose now. Is it all part of the plan? Is it a conspiracy? Why do I feel so insecure and wary, like a fool being twinge around. I felt less painful now but it comes with a price - insecurity. Every second of insecurity haunts me right now. And I'm pretty sure. as time goes by, it will not get any better. I felt disgusted, really disgusted. And I'm starting to hate myself a little more each day.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
don't
Sunday, February 24, 2013 11:25 PM
don't force fate.
don't settle for less.
don't cheapen yourself for someone who doesn't know how to appreciate.
Am still as strong-willed, as prideful as ever. Don't try to stop me.
Am still the same, time is all I need.
Now it feels so much easier. I let pride get in my way. And thankfully, pride is everything I have ever left. Dear pride, thank you. You're the one who always helped me get through my darkest days. When no one believes in me, I know all I can depend on is you. Because you hold me strong and protect me from all other disappointment and pain I feel. I have you, like the way I have myself.
P/S, Don't be sad, don't cry, don't feel any pain. You have yourself, remember? I will not shed a single tear, I promise. I will not break this record of not crying. I will not let you get in my way, ever again. Thanks for making me stronger.
Beauty is subjective. Without you, I have many others who know how to appreciate me as who I am. I never need you, I never need anyone. Thanks for giving me all the reason to be cold. I have been waiting for this day, and finally it came. Thank you.
Anyway, I have a new feeling tonight. So this is how it feels to tell someone not to be sad, when you are already feeling really really sad. Keep smiling, I told her, don't be sad, you shldn't be sad. But I felt really like shitz now. But Im glad, I manage to make a difference. It helps me feel a little more brave than usual. I can do it, I know I can.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
self confident
Wednesday, February 20, 2013 2:08 PM
Who says im confident?
Im not......
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
let me be myself
Tuesday, February 19, 2013 12:26 AM
If you were to let me be myself, I promised you will be taken aback by the amount of love I felt for you. If you were to let me be myself, Im certain you will be feeling disgusted by my past, my actions, my thoughts. If you were to let me be myself, I bet you will be annoyed by all my possessiveness and greediness. If you were to let me be myself, you will discover how much I yearn to be alive for just this moment, to be brave and tell you how much I felt for you. If you were to let me be myself, I will probably not be feeling the way Im feeling right now but perhaps . . . . . I could just never be myself.
What a shame.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
this cold is nothing
Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:07 PM
I was finally awake now and finally understood why getting out of bed earlier on was so difficult. Being constantly exposed to cold, the air-con last morning, the pouring rain yesterday, and the extremely cold weather again this morning. Crap. Mind over Body. this cold is nothing ~.~
In my sleep, I managed to tidy up my thoughts a little, at least the confusion now minimizes by a little. It really sucks to always screw up. But what's worst is to answer to those who get affected because of my screwing up. There are always tears brimming in my eyes nowadays yet I can't cry. I seriously forgotten how is it like to release up those bottled emotions. Forgotten how is it like to feel peace in my heart and peace in my soul. Yet I don't want anyone to help me. Getting out of this shit myself is the only way to atone.
Crapz.
There's no obligation. Never will you need to feel obliged when it has to do with me. I don't need anyone, neither do I really need a relationship. It's okays if anyone break your promises of waiting for me. And it's okays if one day you fall for another girl who worth your love better than I do. At least Im sure the girl won't screw up like me. I held no expectations, or you can say I lost the hopes of holding any expectations in love. I'm no longer hopeful when it comes to love. Right now, independence is all I need. I need to be more independent, really independent. Getting out of this confusion, and identity crisis is priority. The rest can only come later.
This cold is really nothing when compared to my heart. It felt that it has been frozen up, leaving no more warmth to to love anymore. & I can't let this go on any further.
Although now I can smile a little more, sing a little more, feel a little more, laugh a little more, love myself a little more, it isn't enough. I guess I still need to treat myself slightly better, to be a better me.
P/S, 做一个值得你骄傲的 Better me. 一个值得你爱的 Better me.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
craziest thing in my life
Saturday, February 16, 2013 6:52 PM
That was the most crazy things I ever did, and probably the craziest thing I will ever do. It is funny how we manage to make the impossible possible all the time. And it is getting creepy. I really afraid of who am I now. It seems like there is a part of me that i have yet to discover and I know if I unleash it, I gna be seriously ashamed of myself.
I dont seem to have the courage to talk to you about this. I guess it was really unexpected for both of us.
I really feel fortunate to have people who really cares about me. From the small actions you did, the support you gave me, and the calmness you portray when things go wrong, and the way you offered to help. I really felt protected, as though at that moment I know nothing will go wrong.
Im glad it was you. Sorry for my cowardly behaviour. Sorry for not being able to tell you this face to face. Sorry that even after all these, it doesn't make both of us less confused as we were before.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
Life is great like this
Friday, February 15, 2013 12:02 PM
Don't beg. Don't ask. Don't expect.
If these are what it takes to be viewed as important. I rather I not have you at all.
Go away, I don't need anyone's sympathy. Life is great like this.
P/S : Boundary. Im glad there are boundaries. Because all these kept me alert. At least I won't let my guard down so easily this time. At least Im aware I need to figure you out completely no matter how trust-able you may seem.
并不想讨好, 你才觉得我重要.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
CNY
Monday, February 11, 2013 12:48 PM
CNY is probably one of the festival that has the ability to make me feel so deeply. Im always thrilled for CNY, to be able to see my mum, my cousins and all my relatives. But it always pains me as it never fails to remind me how close we were, and how much time has distanced us. Although not distanced emotionally, the frequency we meet has really dropped to once or twice per year, each time 2-3 hours. How pathetic is that? And everytime I see her, she aged. It really kept me thinking, how much more time do I have with her? How regret will I feel if one day, something happened to her. The way she always forced herself to smile, the amount of things she bought for us and gave us whenever she met us, the way she looked at us. Everything is paining me, making feel Im really useless and there's nothing I can do. And my cousins, they are close, always close. Yet all of us are growing up. And facing us is a bunch of heavy stuffs, going to weigh our shoulders now in just a few years time. Yes in just a few years time, we will all be working adults, and be in the eligible age for marriage, getting kids, and taking our parents footsteps. All this sounds really scary. But it is inevitable and it is coming. Thinking about my future right now get me really confused. Except work, there's nothing in my life that Im certain of. At least thank god Im a workaholic. If not, given the mess in my life now, I will truly be lost. I love to plan, and planning keeps my life on track. Now I lost the plan that I hold on to for the past two years. Yes Im lost but I will find myself back on track. Wait for me, life.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
Love
Sunday, February 10, 2013 2:43 AM
"I felt attracted to you and love you even to this day, because your soul spoke to me through your eyes, even when you didn't know it. It's the part of you, that you hold the secret to, that many don't see, and I want to dig deeper. With this comes the undeniable passion and sexuality that can fly us heavenward."
Source Unknown
"Someone out there is meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soulmate, the one you can tell your dreams to. He'll smile at you when you tell him, but he'll never laugh at your heart. He'll brush the hair out of your eyes and send you flowers when you least expect it. He'll call you to say goodnight before you get into bed or just because he is thinking about you. He'll be bursting to talk to you each morning just to hear the sound of your voice. He'll look into your eyes and tell you that you are the most beautiful girl he has ever seen and for the first time in your life ... you'll believe it."
Source Unknown
"Love isn't by convenience or loneliness. I may have lost my way for a thousand miles, made mistakes along the way. But I know my journey will end when I find my right guy, even if it gonna take a long time. His smiles, his assurance will lead the way. Till then, I know I am saved."
Source Unknown
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
Secrets
Thursday, February 7, 2013 10:07 AM
Life...? Love...? Pain...? Ashamed...? Moving on...? Guilt...? Memories...? Burying them deep...? Never talk about them again...? Putting up a facade...? And make sure no one finds a hint of disguise....?
I failed again. There are three things about me that I usually won't share, because I am not strong enough to control my emotions. Not that Im not over them, but because the pain is always there reminding me how much pain and disappointment I have felt no matter how much I have put in.
The first one forced me to grow up overnight. The second froze my heart and reminded myself to be wary of everyone around me. The third taught me that being independent, thoughtful, always putting yourself in others shoe doesn't mean you will get something in return. Soulmates aren't build on such actions.
And the best part is, there are different reactions whenever I shared the deepest part of my life. Some listened, acted that they care but afterwards, they don't remember a single thing. This people are bullshits! Some listened and interrupted halfway and offered to give me a hug and totally forget to let me carry on. This people totally like to act hero and didn't know what's going on. Yes I may need a hug but hello, I need that listening ear to feel connected as well. You interrupt me and hugging me feels as though you are trying to shut my mouth and ask me to stop saying. Some people judged after I told them. Although they judged, I like them, because they are honest. They don't act that they care initially neither do they act as though they are heroes.
The last group of people really listened and put themselves in my shoes. And they remembered there is this scar inside me and at times, I can feel that if there's anything in the environment that may potentially activate this scars, they will give me a look and make sure that Im alright.
I felt love this way. Although I usually act that I didn't notice you looking at me whenever my heart aches a little, it totally warms my heart when you do that.
And yesterday, I opened up myself again and shared with her one of my deepest side. I was surprised by the comfortableness she made me feel. 4 weeks and I shared with someone about myself. That's probably the fastest connection I ever made in my life. I know my voice was shaky. I never manage to control my emotions whenever I talked about myself, especially if it is about the first two secrets that I buried deep. And I guess she asked me about the third one, so it made things alot easier for me.
Whenever I talked about the three, I felt that I grew up a little. At least I don't cry when I talk about it now. When I talked it out, it makes me feel really relief, like I don't need to hide in front of you anymore. It feels it is okays to show you my vulnerable side. But I guess it takes skills for people to open my heart up. Some of them would stay silent and wait for me to be comfortable. Some makes me feel comfortable and then slowly probe into the issue. Some don't even try and expect me to share everything.
Secrets I guess everyone has a fair share of them in your heart. and I belong to the first group, to stay silent, to always be there for you and wait for you to be get comfortable. I shldn't have digged for more information yesterday. It makes me feel uneasy as there is a conflict of interest.
How should I face you from now on?
Am I that gracious to continue treat you well and neglect about protecting my heart? There's no meaning in digging history and uncovering things if they were over. But are they really over? It's not over, and you are going through six degree of separation.
P/S: I don't wait, I don't love, I don't open up, I won't put in my everything until I find the special one who can make me blush, make me comfortable, make me feel protected, make me feel exclusive, make me feel he can remember every part of me, make me feel it gna be just him, forever.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
Rejection
Monday, February 4, 2013 3:19 AM
I guess rejection is a part and parcel of life, just that too many of them in a short period of time is really demoralising. Banks have been rejecting my applications and the feeling really sucks! Crapz, double specialising in HR and Banking & Finance isn't helping much at all. Well, I guess sleep is really an important factor to function properly. My brain doesn't seem to be able to think that fast nowadays! CNY I can't wait ..... so that I can sleep 10hours a day again! Has been cranky and big on my appetite recently. So huge that I can snack non-stop for 4 hours and my tummy nearly bursteddddd. Well, gaining weight isn't something I am looking forward to. Although it increase bust and ass size, it doesn't seem nice on me at all! Being short is another irritating qualities! Well enough of ranting those negative emotions! One should not harbor too much ill intentions or demotivating thoughts as it is really unhealthy! Im glad Im always a positive and hopeful person no matter how emoish I sound in this little space. But well, I will never stop smiling, stop improving and stop moving forward. I need someone who can bring out the best in me :)
Application for overseas attachment submitted! Okays, banks reject me, I can always try out other exciting path! Egggggcited! And wonder how my parents will react if I really get shortlisted! Who cares? My future, I decide! :D
P/S Sometimes, I don't want to engage in those legitimate and serious conversation because I know, our connection needs to be lighter and cozier.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
social circle
Saturday, February 2, 2013 2:15 AM
Feels as though I have been putting in too much in my social circle. Feels as though acting ignorant has succeed. Feels as though my life is in a mess right now. Feels as though it is time for me to back out in everything I have put efforts in. I tried my best to balance my social circle but it failed. Juggling between people has taken a toll on me. Although I have my poker face in place, it wasn't a good feeling afterall. Sick of acting ignorant. I thought I could just be myself and let impulse takes over when Im with the closer few. But well, I guess it isn't the case. Who says friends can truly be themselves? Who says friends do not judge no matter what happen? I guess it was really the opposite. Nowadays I need to be extra careful with the things I say, and the way I behave. I can't speak my thoughts out loud anymore. Freewill? Freedom of speech? I guess it is fading as we grow up. Shouldn't be insensitive and no more talks on sensitive issues. If this is part of growing up, I rather give growing up a pass. I need my own space too. I want to stay in control and have the power to freely decide who I want to talk to at a certain period of time, the things I want to share, and the intensity of conversations with people. I tend to be selective to people who get into my life. But recently I guess I've opened up my heart a bit more, being more initiative and sociable. Sooooo is it a wrong move to do? Although most people can't tell, I have my unique method of treasuring people around me. Five signs of love language? I guess there's a mismatch with people around me now. It feels as though the love I can give isn't what you want to receive.
P/S See you when I see you.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
lies
Friday, February 1, 2013 12:13 AM
Along Citylink there are always people walking, transferring from one mall to another, or making their way to their offices or to the mrt. However today besides office ladies and men with sexy legs and asses, there are lotsa kids! And most of them barely reach 0.5m. These little creatures were like unleashed puppies, running all over the open space, giggling with their really innocent voice and rolling on the ground. Today was one of the few moments I didnt get annoyed by the sight noisy undisciplined kids.
I often lie. and one of the frequent lies I made was about hating kids and feel like smacking them all the time. I didnt like to admit and explain my insecurities about kids, soooo lying seems the easier way out. Talking to kids, humouring them, showing them my love through hugging. All of these seem so difficult, as though my body is handicapped and I just didnt know the right words to say or the right things to do infront of kids.
Im afraid of being responsible for their upbringing, afraid of teaching them the wrong stuffs. I couldnt set a good example. How could I be confident in showing them the right way in life.
I don't know if I will ever get married. I may seem easy, but Im really pickyyyy. At the same time, I may ask for perfections, but I m willing to put down my everything even if you 're flawed. Soooo Im really unsure if I will ever have children of my own. Well, thinking about it Im still too young to fret about this.
Identity crisis doesn't seem to get any better! I always heard comments that Im sooooo hard to be figured out, and my behaviors and thoughts are always in-congruent and inconsistent. Because I can't be bothered to explain myself, can't be bothered if people misunderstand me, can't be bothered with too much stuffs that I just summarize my thoughts in one word or just one sentence. Or perhaps Im hiding things from myself too. I don't want to find out more. My thoughts and my intentions are too scary. I don't wna be a player. I don't wna live a floating life. I don't wna take my life as it is. What happens to being in control, or being honest, or being true to myself?
I guess I should stop lying to myself and face my life bravely. I wish for someday where I could really break down and cry. Just for one time, and I guess, it would all be better.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥ 雨天
devil ; fly
♥ 我爱雨天
雨天我就想一个人
只有一个人我才能全心爱自己
雨天把我忘了吧
rainn Plain bitter tea and full cream milk tea are both chosen decisions which I fancy. Im not a dreamy person who dazes every single moment. Im just someone living in my own world where fantasies are painted. I had lived in my dreams and for my dreams. Not an initiative person in socialising, waiting for someone to break through th façade is th only comfortable way out.
