9:49 PM 12:29 AM 12:21 AM
It was this period when everyone gets really excited... Sooner or later, results of our exams and attachments will be released. And truth to speak. Im really feeling bad inside. I know, my results had been dropping ever since i dont know when. Expectations drop too. I see many go for interviews and sorts and Im really scared. Can I really do it? When it seems like I dont have th confidence anymore?
Slashed everything. Slashed.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
reflection
6:45 PM
i was taking a break @RT while this reflection ran through my mind. I recalled th words we spoke ytd. Recalled how my heart shivers and respond to every sentence. I was surprised by both of our frank words. Cool. Finally things came clear. It's really nice to open up. It's nice to trust. It's nice to believe. But all these need courage. Perhaps i lack courage. things start to complicate when people sees more. when your world gets bigger, when u see more people. people better than you, higher than you, insecurities build up. trust fades. th glows in your eyes disappear.
听着你说你真的喜欢我，我的所有不安全在一顺间消失了。我常常在想，为什么有些人可以对我如此的温柔。但为何有些人，不管我做什么，都得不到他们那么一丝的安慰。那是因为品味吧。有时候，就是那个他让你有一种特别的感觉，这个让你心动的他可以那么普通，但你就是看到了别人眼中看不到的好。而令一个他，不管他是众人眼中多么的出色，多么英俊潇洒，或美丽动人，就是看不顺心，感觉就是不对。就比如自己的亲身经历，当一个很出色的对象在眼前，那么良好的机会，我却不去捉紧。而原因并不是因为他有什么不好。人啊，就是那么复杂吧。所以我常常告诉自己。如果你没有对象，不是因为你不好，只是那个懂得欣赏你的人还没出现罢了！现在的我在学着相信。相信你看见的的确是我。你爱上了我什么呢？是我的执著，我的努力？我的嘴硬心软或我的为人着想？我的害羞还是我的大胆？我的心直口快还是我的犹豫不决？我的傻里傻气或聪明伶俐？我的好玩还是我的认真？我知道有一天总有一个人能够认真的欣赏我，喜欢我。那个人是你吧？
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
back to my normal life
11:56 PM
Hello Im back! Back to my HDB flat where Im alone most of th time. No more hotels! No more hot water! No more 25 degree air con! Hmmm, Im experiencing some kinda of culture shock back. Im not getting used to Singapore life! Perhaps Im really enjoying myself back there! I love my havock self! I love my night shopping! I love waking up everyday with a purpose! I love waking up with someone beside me. Lol, baby joey! Not becos Im lesbian! But it just make me feel that Im not alone! I love her companion! and tml Im working full. Well. Im still sick!
Fever had finally subside! But my swollen face is really terrible! With 4 tooth growing at th same time had taken a toll on me.
Anyway I think I still need some time to adjust back to th life of Singapore! Hmmm!
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
Vietnam trip
10:06 PM
Hello, Im back from th Vietnam trip! I seriously did not regret going for it!
I know a great room mate, great buddy!! BABY JOEY! HAHAHA :D and it's really great to have lao terence, zhong sebas, Xiao ZhiJie, Fat Kian Tat, Tom & Jerry and most importantly JIAWEN and YANYING with me!
Let me just summarise this trip.
Firstly, I really learn alot from it! Companies Visit. Looking at th firm's operation. Learning th difficulties to work there! Vietnam is cool, Language has always been a problem! But it's cool to learn some vietnam language! I felt closer with my Mum like this! Overall, my objective was met. I always wanted to go there and see how my mum grew up and so! Now I had achieved it! :D
Also, I think I had made really lotsa friends! Like you know th person name, but you never had a chance to talk to that person and sorts! But Vietnam trip gave me really really very good chances to interact, especially th year 3s! Im really really happy!
Also! I get to know MY GOOD BUDDIES BETTER! I found a cool twin (Sorry for th guitar! really) Zhijie terence sebas kiantat roy gabriel! It's really good to know you all you know. As for jiawen and yanying, thanks for accepting me! Seriously! And my drunk behaviour! :(
Next, drinking and sorts! This trip is seriously cool! Because I had th most havock experiences :D Happy! Well, I always wanted to try something new like club and so! Because I had never been to one. Although I know that Im not those that will enjoy those places, but well, wont it be nice to have more experiences in life!
Next exposure! It's really fun to be overseas without parental supervision. It's cool to be on a plane! It's awesome to walk on stranger's land. It's really nice to walk for 6 hours shopping and to bargain for price! It's comfortable to hook around my twin's arm and run across roads! It's cool to try to communicate and learn to be patient to Vietnamese! It's cool to have a twin with you in th trip, making this trip so comfortable. It's cool to visit all those cultural places and tried rowing a boat. It's cool to eat with your buddies everyday! It's good to laugh and joke and play lame games whenever you are bored.
Well lastly, it's good to be honest to yourself in this trip. At least I had. I confessed to myself who I like, who I dont. I know who I miss, who I dont! and I see how Nono misses me so much! OMG NONO! I MISS YOU TOO! WOOF WOOF! seriously, you are getting thinner! Im back, I will take care of you! Thanks for always waiting for me
to be home.
and lastly, thanks Housoon for picking me up! and Im sick, fever, sorethroat, flu, wisdom tooth! crap! I cant really joke or talk to housoon, I was feeling really terrible. Im sorry.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
Vietnam in 5 hours
7:42 AM
Cant believe Im departing soon. In 1 hour time, I will be on th way there. In 5hours time, I will be on th plane! In 8 hours time I will be in Vietnam. Im feeling th excitment now. Not excitment. I can feel th change in my body. Th alertness to fight or to flight. Hahaha.
When Im in Vietnam.
Remember to eat regularly.
I will not be here to feed you le :(
Remember to drink more water!
You always drink very little water!
Remember to sleep!
Dont cry yourself to sleep! Im just away for 5nights!
Remember to call for me if anyone bullies you!
Remember to think of me, cause I will be back soon!
Remember to keep yourself clean! (i very dirty meh?)
Remember to protect your fur! Reject all food for Dad and Mum, they are unhealthy! (ehhh, why got fur de?)
When you shit, remember not to eat it! (what th shit?)
Dont step on your urine anymore! (O.O ok...finezzzz)
OMG I really miss you, NONO!!!!! hehehehe :D! Cool???
Hey, see you when Im back kays! :D I know Im a worrysome kid here.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
Hey Im going off in 12 hours time. I felt tremendously low now. So this moment is a good opportunity to pick myself up. It's good to depart now. Good to desert this place for a while. Good to let my heart to stop forcing herself to balance between independent and dependent. Good to think about my own heart issues alone. Good to know who is th one I miss. Good to know who are th one that misses me. Good to let myself breathe. Good to take up th challenge of being of a higher level. Good to be with those that appreciate and recognise me even for 6days. Good for self development. Good to break through my limits. 为什么要那么勉强? 不要那么勉强.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
independent
1:41 AM
I hope Im not this independent in my heart.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
smart?
10:16 AM
You know, It really feels good when someone call you smart. When people look into your eyes and asked you for opinions. When people consult you before making a decision. When people ask you to decide for something. When you are entrust with a challenge that they thought you can solve. Recognition. It really feels good to be recognised. But thinking back. Am I really that smart & trustable? Yes I enjoy those moments when I shine. But I had moments when I make mistakes. I had decisions I made that isnt th best. I can present fairly well but definitely not th best. I give a broad opinions instead of directly answering to your questions. They are times where Im really dumb. Hahahas I dont know. What I can do now is to live up my reputation. Dont dissappoint & always do your best.
I remembered when I was young. Every exams or tests I had, Mum will screw th hell out of me. I was forced to studies like EVERYDAY! But one hour before th start of th test or exam, she will just say, as long as you try your best, it's enough. And this thought had always been ringing in me, accompanying as I grow. But as I matured, I realised there's no point in just trying your best. I will try my best, and do my best.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
2 more days to vietnam.
11:59 PM
Argh! My eye bags and dark circle is coming back right after one night of late sleep! I was late Vietnam Briefing today! & when I reached there, th clique only jiawen and yanying were there. It was really nice to have something to long for. Now I have this trip!
Later went singing with Sebastian Yaozhong Zhijie Kiantat Hester Jiawen. Terence went home. Well, stupid also will guess got something wrong laa. Wonder why no one elses realise. I only sang for 1hour 15 mins. But felt happy alrdy. Singing had always been my favourite. Because besides writting, drawing and singing, I dont really know how to tell how I feel. And singing is th only one that you can get an audience.
Went work after this. There's a new girl which make me feels really troubled. It's hard to explain. I know what she wants. But I cant give her because it will do her no good. Attention. Emoness. It isnt th right way to do that anymore. Well, truthfully speaking. I see my shadows in her. I cant do anything. I had been through it. Th only way to save herself is from her own will. Th indulgent we gave her will only spoil her. Jiayou, you can do it. Save yourself.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
exams ended!
11:21 PM
Hello, My exams ended! End up Maths is really th worst paper! Cause I dont know how to do one question, confirm careless one question, And another question not sure. So hmmmm, Alrdy 18marks goodbye? Hahaha. But okays laa. I did my best seriously. I had been studying real hard. Studying studying and studying. This is th first time first semester i really studied this hard. Never give up, never stop. I felt good, I felt great after my paper ends.
Went Bugis with Terence Sebastian Zhijie Kiantat just now. It's kinda funny. We are finding place to eat. As usual th clique has no place to go. And Kiantat says he misses Jiawen! And Me and Kiantat agreed on going Bugis! "Yo, you nothing to do right?" Pointing to everyone elses. "Okays let's go bugis then! Since exams over le! Just go!" Lol! Okays. Headed to bugis. Spotted Jiawen's tiny figure. Later went foodcourt to eat! Son and I ate spaghetti, introduced by ME! hahaha Im sem mama! Well, Im used to them all calling me mama le. :D
Hmmmm okays, My new list coming up again. Exams over. I can finally wear contact lens. finally financial burden lessen. Finally can go shopping! I shall save up :D and shop! Hahahha, leave no mercy! I had seriously cut down on my expenses by alot! Spendthrift me needs some reward :D Prepare pretty clothes for attachment! Prepare different heels for occasions! Different accessory for various outfit! And most importantly my hair needs a makeover! Awww, 10months not cutting hair. It's seriously turning bad! Hmmm what to start first? I got limited finance! Hahaha. What shld I do to my hair? Hmmmm!
Whatever th case! Im really happy. One big load off me! EXAMS ENDED! I can shout out loud now! EXAMS ENDED! FYP ENDED! Im heading to Vietnam soon :D Finally, I can know more about Mum!
Oh ya! Look through all my blogs, all my archives! Then you will realise, when is th last time I blogged like this? Long long time ago. :D
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
You're amazing. It's indescribeable when no matter how high i place my defences, th moment I see you, everything melted away. All th anger, all th bad time bids goodbye. I felt happy whenever this happens. Not a sign of helplessness not a sign of fustration, like everything is meant to be.
Forgive & Forget, not because Im easy. Because love had overcome everything. Anyway, Im seriously loving my MP3! All th songs are so nice! Not forgetting my wonderful earpiece! :D
I had known you for only 7months. Today, I seriously understand that, "hey, there'a lot we still need to learn to understand about each other. We are not stablise yet, not because we dont love each other enough. But because we are still learning about each other everyday. Sometimes things are familiar, sometimes things are new. We need a balance. We cant assume facts. We cant generalise each other. Yes, we know each other well, but not everything definitely. Luckily we are together. We have all th time as long as we want to fully open up ourselves, to fully comprehend, to fully be together. Looking foward to everyday. Looking foward to knowing you. Looking forward to us."
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天
family
6:52 PM
Hello, it's been very long since I blogged. Stop being so stubborn I tell myself. No point in being so stubborn. I will lose out if this continues. 4 exams, 3 down, 1 more to go. Lol, Sadly, Mathes being th easiest paper, had ended up to be th one I feared most. Seriously, a secret to share, Im not aiming for 3.75 at all. Similar to every semester, Im aiming for 4.0. Lol, sense my ambitiousness again? Sorry I cant help not feeling this way. This applies to life also. If Im not th best in everything I do, I will be very disappointed with myself. Do you understand why?
It's just part of me. Since young Im it had been a prominent characteristic. Altheletic competitions. For very silver I get motivates me to join th competition again, because Im aiming for gold, not silver. But now Life is different. It's not like competition or exams anymore where you can keep trying and trying. Once things end, it can never be reversed again.
But thank god, I shifted this ambitiousness to something positive. Dad was telling me recently how worried he was when Im sec3. Yes I recalled. I cut spike hair, went out with difficult people, abandon my studies, do whatever that make him worried. Lucky for that incident, I pick up. I know I shldnt let my family worried about me again. But why, in this year this happens again? I worried them not because of studies anymore. But my relationship life. Dad had always been worried about me. Because he said Im too silly too trusting too easy. Did I agree with him? Hmmm partly.
This two days, due to serious boredom, I spend all th time I had at home. I spend time with dad and mum. Spend time with Nono. I seriously realise how long haven I take a look at them closely. I went to pay bills with them, I went NTUC with them. It pains me to see them worry about those small things in life just to make MY life better. I grew up alrdy. Dad doesnt see me as a kid anymore. I guess he never see someone like me who strives so hard to live. I guess he is consoled. He trust that someone could take care of me alrdy. How could I break th news to him that actually it wasnt this way. How could I bear to smash his hope and let him worry about me again. I lost hope alrdy. I dont wan him to feel th same way too.
Many times I was angry about dad for throwing his temper on us. Yes, he shldnt throw his temper like this. But Im his daughter. Thats why I know I shld take it. But Mum isnt. Mum is his other half. Mum and Dad had th same status and power. Mum shldnt be treated lowly just because dad's temper is crazy. I was often angry not because I was treated badly. I had alrdy accepted it. I was angry for Mum being treated like a lowly someone. and Nono will cleverly hide herself and wait for any signs from me to say everything's okays. I seem like th pillar of support mentally. Hmmm, I know, if one day Im not around, th family will be broken. I know how mum and dad dotes on me more than they dote on Andrew, more than they care about themselves. I know th eyes Nono gave me when she sees me is different when she sees others. I know all their hopes are on me. I know that all. I know they cant affort to have me as a disappointment alrdy. Thanks for trusting me. Thanks.
Live life strong.
I breathe from my memories & run wherever my legs would bring me ♥
雨天