Nowadays i really tried hard to interact to with girls in our class. cause last year i really dont care bout people in our class, like th way im divorced from the people in our class. Dats one of my regrets, to be isolated from others. But now i tried and fortunately i succeeded. The distant is not that big dat i dont know anything bout them or dont even dare to open my mouth to talk to them. Luckily I tried and Im glad dat I tried. If not my upper secondary life will be meaningless. But sometimes really some people are very hard to interact. No offence I dont mean anything. Sometimes when with one people, everything's alright. But jus when people comes into groups, they will neglect those or left out some people without realising it. I mean the NPCCs in our class. When they come together, they would take other people around as invisible. Maybe I done that in th past before but now, I really know how it feel, even since last year.


yongliang keep sms jianing saying how lousy he was and he has no friends. I once feel this too. But really. start to love yourself and be happy before anyone else can love you. I will love myself. Maybe I love myself in a wrong way. By protecting myself from others. Thats wrong I know, but Im really scared. This has been more than a year and I really haven been improving. No matter how hard I open myself, I jus cant. I dunno who to find help from. I jus feel alone. I dont wan to act strong and continue keep this feeling anymore. for more than one year, I had enough. I jus cant open myself up. I really feel like giving up, really.

True friends? what are they? I start to doubt the defination of friends. I jus know friends are people dat I trust, someone that I truely trust. Being stucked in between of a friend and my dear is something hurtful. Jus like th way Im stucked between two parents, snatching and tearing me apart when I can do nothing. One day If Im lost, who will be th first friend I think of? I know and Im sure who is she. Jus dat I dunno how she thinks. Th truth is Im too afraid to know.

Thats something true bout me which someone mention before. I always have something part of me to hide. And I know this happen only since last year. Something that I dont dare to share with others. Even dear, I dont share all my thoughts with him. I dont know if its is really I dont wish to share my thoughts or issit I also dunno what am I thinking. Deep inside my heart, Im scared Im really scared. scared of something which I dunno what Im scared of. I have no one really to share my true thoughts. There are times I really want to tell dear how scared am I feeling deep in my heart, but he is always not there when I want to have someone to talk to. Therefore it has become a habit to keep everything inside me. keeping all th scared feelings, and act really strong like a man outside. I really feel like Im a autistic person, someone dat forget how to express my feelings.

I forget how to start a conversation and really talk bout how i feel to someone. Even once the person is right beside me, I smsed her to say out my feelings. I felt so useless. Dear always forced me to say what I feel. This make me felt more useless, and make me more determined to keep everything of me shut. Cause the way he used make me feel even him do not know how to make me talk. I guess, no one in th world can even make me get back to myself again. She cant help me too. Cause sometimes, I really feel alone, really alone and even lonely. I wished to tell her that but I have no more courage to do anything. Just like th phrase, "A mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its own dimension."


I guess, I rather focus on my studies than doing any other things right know. I know me myself cause this problem and I shouldnt blame the person that cause my change. But really because of that person, because of him. I hate him.