My heart still hurts all the time. The pain just comes and goes without any warning, for no particular reason. And I know, this gna takes long before it eventually recovers. And when it happens, I just can't see to move on in my life properly. There's nothing I can really say because I don't know what to say or how to say it. Cooping my emotions up seems so much easier. It is not because I wna hide things and be mystery all the time, it is just that I don't know how to express Im sad or Im hurt "properly". There's so much I'm afraid of. Your reactions, your opinions or are you able to understand what I mean. And I admit there's some point of me that I shut myself up because of self-interest. Im afraid that you may end up hurting me even more.

And my heart never once healed. And I know there's no one out there who can help me except for myself. I don't wna drag anyone down. I ain't ready for anything. I can't love or make anyone feel love. Because surrounding me is merely sadness, fears and insecurities. Negativity is contagious & I never wna make you feel the same as I do. Happiness, True happiness is what I wished for everyone around me, sincerely.

Found a graphic that I really like (& it's now placed at the left side of my space). Gna constantly let it reminds me about the pouring rain. You know how it feels to just stand under the rain and let every drops splatter on your skin? It hits the point where you eventually accept your life as what it is. As though efforts and more efforts do not help to change anything. And what you asked for will never be realisable. What's worst is being selfish do not even help you to achieve your desires, where you rather be selfless and help others achieve theirs. Because it is never possible for me to feel contented or satisfied with life while others can easily put on a true smile on their face. Envious,but Im glad because at least people around me don't have to go through those hideous emotional struggles.

"It eats up your soul."

A friend of mine mentioned how one's soul can be eaten up with each experiences one met. If that's the case, I know I barely have any soul left. Perhaps that's why I find it really difficult to open up, to connect with people and to trust. Running away is a norm for me. Disappearing from my social circle for a little while is a way to recuperate, so that when I meet them again, I can continue put on the big smile on my face.

Relapses aren't that frequent anymore. Because I got distracted recently. But after my distractions fade away, Im once again bombarded with despair. I don't occasionally felt pain anymore, because there's another feeling that replaced it. It seems like my world is fading again and I don't know how I feel anymore, as though there's nothing left in my soul. I have totally lost the connection with my self. At least not physically, Im still able to walk, jump, talk and so on, sooooo maybe it wasn't a bad thing afterall. It's just another disengaged person living in this big world. Caring for people around me still feels easy. But when others reciprocate, I can't feel any hinge of joy, intimacy, or warmth. I don't exceptionally feel thrilled for people and the only thing that gets me motivated and engaged is work.

At least work is tangible, right?