Im feeling a little tipsy again. Just went drinking and supper with Dad and Auntie. I hate my life now. I hate it. I hate hopes that are dashed every now and then. My back aches like some shit now. My shoulder is as heavy as an unmoveable rock. My chest hurts alot, and I cant breathe properly. My head is spinning and I see things around me turning round and round. My health really sucks. I wonder why illness I had inside me that make me feel so bad unexpectedly. I hate malboro because it burns my nose my throats too badly. I dont smoke now, really. But I really enjoy Next Chill. Why cant I smoke? Because my boyfriend dont like it. Okays thats th only reason that stopped me from smoking. My boyfriend. I dont smoke because of him, on th other hand, I smoke mostly because of him too. He's th source of all my love and warmth, but he is th source of most of my unhappiness too. Thats love, It's a double sided sword. It either protects you or kills you. Yes, it has been killing me some weeks ago. I cried and cried and cried like nobody's business. Pondering over all th unhappiness, such as do I really mean anything to you? If so why dont I feel it? If so, why will you shout at me when you are angry? If so why dint you dare to give me promises? If so, why dont you love me as deeply as whoever you loved before? If so, why would you hang up my call and switched off your phone? If so why wont you look for me anymore? If so, why dont you contact me that frequently anymore? There's so many things that take away my trust for you. Dammit why do I still choose to trust? Hell. Fuck, I fucking love you. Why are you you? Why did I got attracted to you th first time I saw you. Why do I let you enter even when Im unsure? Why do I believe you when it's only a few weeks after you move on? Why do I believe a stranger that I barely know for months. Why am I taking such risk? Why dont I choose to let go after so many hurt you had caused in me? Such small pain pained me so deeply already. I cant imagine if you ever let me down, how crazy will I go. This sucks big time. Loving isnt a absolute good thing, because it makes one lose oneself, just th way I do now. It makes me think of you every now and then. It makes me paranoid. It always leave me feeling, why dont you love me th way like you do before. Because love is always changing. Changing, either for th better or worse. Im someone who needs massive protection and security. Because I dont trust easily. I dont trust love. I dont trust myself. I dont trust at all. Security seems to be th missing factor in my heart. Making me dare not show my thoughts my feelings my desire to you. Yes I blamed myself for that. If not so, I would have showed you all I felt, all I think, this massive stone in my heart is a hindrance to our relationship. But now Im really glad that although I dint get all my answers, I got all that matters back. I got you back. You're still th one I know, protecting me, caring for me. That's how you loved me, I convinced myself. Shit, my spinning head. Hell I only had two glasses of beer. How bad have I got in drinking.